What she wanted to say
by tcatch20
Summary: My small version of what Myka was feeling and thinking towards the end of "Instinct" from of course Myka's POV. I know the episode aired a long time ago and I know there are a lot of fanfics out there but I wanted to give it a shot. I hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Please be patient with me this is my first attempt at writing a fanfic. It's my take on the episode "Instinct" the first part is written from Myka's POV. I know the episode aired a while ago but I wanted to write my take on what I thought Myka felt. I know there are a lot of fanfics on this episode but this episode left me wanting like I'm sure it did a lot of us. Be gentle but I welcome all help and reviews, to help me improve.**

**Disclaimer: Some of the lines are from some of the songs I was listening too at the time. Adele's-Make you feel my love and Emeli Sande-My kind of love. I own nothing.**

Myka's POV

As I stand in front of her, all I wanted to do was make her feel what I felt, to tell her that I would gladly travel to the ends of the earth for her. I would die for her, I wanted so badly to blurt that out to just lay all my feelings out but I knew that she wasn't ready to hear them. I know she feels what I feel but she's not ready.

She still has things to work through but does it have to be with him. Why does he get her? He may be a good man but I'm the one she loves. Why does he get to have a part of her? I may not have the right to be jealous but I know deep down she doesn't truly love him not the way she loves me.

It took me so long to realize that what I felt for her was love deep true love. She is in every part of me heart, body and soul. I just wish she was ready to feel my kind of love.

I want her to know that when she has fallen and can't pick herself up off the ground that's when she feels my love. I want her to know that when she feels what she does is never enough, when she doesn't realize things could get this tough that's when she feels my love. I want her to know and feel that I want to be there for her, to love her, to cherish her, to have a life with her the good, the bad and everything in between.

We could have a life together a damn good life. It won't always be easy we will fight and argue but we will always find our way to each other. That is what people who were meant to be do. I know I'm not kidding myself I know she feels this, this connection we have.

Why can't she just say it? As muster up the strength to tell her things I don't believe, _to fight for him_, _to make this her home_….these words are killing me I can't breathe as I'm saying these words.

My heart breaks a little more with every word. I finally finish saying what I think she wants to hear, I hug her my chest feels like it's about to collapse, I can't say goodbye to her not again, I can't breathe. I just want to shout come with me, be with me but I can't be selfish especially if she is not ready….Ahh why can't I be selfish just this once.

We let go of each other, I hold my tears back until I get ready to leave. We say our parting words she says _maybe next time just coffee_ and I say _or save the world let's see what happens. _

She smiles I catch a glimpse of the real Helena not the one hiding, she is still in there trying to figure this out.

They have this saying if you set something free and it comes back then you knew it was meant to be. Oh how I hope this is true I don't know if I can truly let her go, she has my heart and she always will.

We drive away and I can't bring myself to look away, she doesn't either I can tell she is struggling with what she feels. I know her better than anyone else and she knows me.

I hold everything in as I lose sight of her, all I can think about is was that goodbye forever, in my head I pray more like beg to whoever is listening please don't let this be it, please help her find her way back to me...with a sigh..._Please help her come back to me_.

**I hope you liked it. I'm always nervous about putting my attempts of writing out there but like I said I welcome all help. **


	2. Chapter 2

**I wanted to write what I thought Helena's POV would be. I hope you enjoy it. I own nothing**

Helena's POV

As I watch her drive away I can't bring myself to look away or turn around. My chest feels like its caving in I can barely breathe.

I could see her struggling to say the words _fight for him, make this your home. _I could see how much it was tearing her apart.

I kept playing the words over and over in my head all I could think was did she just let me go, did she just say goodbye without saying the words? NO! I can't, I won't accept that.

She was being Myka as always, selfless, saying what she thought I wanted to hear, what I thought I needed to hear but as the words left her lips that's not what I wanted to hear at all. My chest tightens like someone is crushing it, my heart feels like it has been shattered, realizing this.

I thought what I wanted was a normal life one with Nate and Adelaide but after seeing Myka hearing her words _you're running from who you are to chase a ghost! _ I was so angry when she said those words but deep down a part of me knew she was right. I love Adelaide and I care for Nate but with Nate it's never going to be more. I don't love him, not like I love…_Myka._

I thought that I could make this my home but after seeing Myka I realize I am hiding from who I am. I can't run from my truth anymore. Myka is my home, my truth, always has been and always will be. I love her with everything I am heart, body, mind and soul.

I can't let her go…. I can't. I have to make this right, but how… oh my God how do I make this right?

I have to tell her she is all I ever wanted, it just took me a while to realize it. I have to tell her that I want to be with her and only her. That I would die for her that I would walk to the end of the earth for her that I will be there for her through the good and the bad. That I will fight for her and our future, I need her to know this.

But how do I tell her all of this after cutting her so deep. I saw the hurt in her eyes when she saw Nate and Adelaide, the words that I said to her. I could hear and feel her heart break. How could I be so blind?

Ahh…I can't swallow, I can't breathe.

I can't let her go, I just can't….not anymore.

She is my one since the moment we met…..I love her, I love Myka.

Why did I have to fight this so long, she was right there, right there in front of me. I felt the connection and I know she did. She knows me better than anyone else and I know her.

I have to fix this, I have to make this right.

I have to be with Myka…sigh..._If she will have me_.


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is a little longer. It's still Myka's POV but I wanted to include Pete in this because to me Pete helps Myka see another side of the situation. Mainly because he is on the outside looking in. I hope it does the characters justice…..I own nothing. **

Myka's POV

It's a quiet ride back all I can think about is how much my heart aches for her, I'm not sure if it ever will stop. She is all I want, think about and crave.

I could have told her how I felt but she wasn't ready. Why do things have to be so complicated between us? Why can't we just say how we feel? But that just wouldn't be us we always have to make things more complicated than they have to be.

My thoughts consume me I want her by my side, I want her with me, close to me but I'm not sure if she will come back.

That scares me more than anything. I have finally found my one and I may not get a chance to tell her or show her.

Lost in my thoughts I glance at Pete, he keeps looking at with concern in his eyes, I haven't said a word since we left. I can tell Pete wants to ask me questions about what is bothering me, but we have been partners for so long that he knows not to push at least not yet.

I don't think I would be able to talk right now anyway because on the inside I'm a mess. My heart feel like someone put it in a blender and hit frappe.

I am doing everything I can to fight back my tears, to not fall apart.

I'm not sure what to do or where to go from here. I let the one person I love go, which is killing me. I know it was the right thing to do, it had to be…right?

* * *

We finally get to the B & B and right now all I want to do is take a shower a lay down. We get out of the car Pete stops me.

"Myka. What's up?"

"It's nothing Pete."

"Myka?"

"Pete I don't want to talk about it."

"Its HG isn't it?"

"Pete please."

"Ok fine don't talk just listen. It's not a huge secret Mykes we all know you are in love with HG like crazy, stupid in love with her well accept Artie but anyway I think we have known for a while."

I just stare at him not saying a word. All I can think is how do they know when I only just realized it myself.

Pete takes my silence as a hint to continue.

"Look Mykes I get why you did what you did by telling HG to stay but you have to know that HG is in love with you too, like cows jump over the moon in love."

I just look at Pete and roll my eyes I know he means well but it's just, I'm not use to seeing this side of him, the serious big brother side.

"Pete I'm not sure that she is, she stayed…_with him!_" I can feel the jealousy in the pit of my stomach.

"Mykes you didn't see what I saw, I could read the hurt on her face when you told her _fight for him, to make this her home._"

"Pete?"

"Look Mykes I may be a lot of things, awesome, handsome, the best partner in the world…."

"Man-child, full of himself." I cut in with a smirk.

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry Dr. Phil please continue." I laugh for the first time all day, he just smiles.

"I'm trying to be serious here."

"Ok, ok go on."

"Where was I oh yeah being awesome."

"Ugh Pete!"

"Ok, ok my point is I could see the hurt on her face. I think she wanted you to tell her how you felt. You two have been through so much that she needed to hear it."

"She thought she was happy but I think after seeing you she realized that was not the life she wanted at all. The life she wants is with you."

"Pete you don't know that, if all that was true why couldn't she just tell me how she felt?"

"I don't know Mykes, you two have never done things the easy way."

With a sigh..."No we really haven't."

"I think she was hiding trying to figure out what she wanted and she thought she found it with Adelaide and Nate but after seeing you and spending time with you again she realized what she was doing."

I cringe at his name. Why do I have to feel like this? I have no claim on her and he has done nothing wrong…..ugh but that still doesn't stop me from strongly disliking him.

"I just don't know Pete I want to believe you but...I...I just don't know anymore."

"Mykes I got a really good vibe. I think things are going to work out just give it a little time."

I smile at Pete and give him a hug.

"Thanks Pete."

"Sure what kind of big brother would I be if I didn't stick my nose in your personal business?"

I just roll my eyes "Come on let's get inside before all of this big brother advice goes to your head."

"By the way... NO CHARGE!" I just roll my eyes.

"Come on."

After talking a little with everyone I head upstairs to be alone. I need a minute to process everything that has happened and everything Pete told me.

Could he be right does Helena feel that way? Did she really need to hear how I felt about her? Maybe he is right because I needed to hear it from her as well.

Why couldn't we do things the easy way and just tell each other how we feel? We wouldn't be Bering and Wells if we did.

As I lay down getting ready for bed my thoughts drift again to what Pete said "_I've got a good vibe about this just give it a little time_."

Could he be right, I really want him to be right, I am desperate for him to be right. I have been partners with him long enough to trust his vibes.

Ahh...I really need him to be right about this.

As I drift off to sleep..._Please let him be right about this..._with a sigh_...Please_.

**Any advice you may have I welcome. I hope you enjoy it.**


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